Discovering me.

Have you ever had a blog post in your mind? Something that you want to say, but you kept replaying it your mind to make it sound right? Then you just put it aside like it doesn't matter and then it just keeps coming back to you like it needs to be said. Well I have. And here it is... only, I am not a writer by any means and it might not mean anything to anyone but me. But that's okay. It needs to be said before I go crazy thinking about it.

I got a message from my little sister on facebook. What she said pretty much summed up how I was feeling. To tell you the truth, I started crying when I read it. She said (and I hope you don't mind me quoting you, Bethany), "I think that we both know that you are supposed to be in Indiana. You know you are conquering the world. And if the world is to be conquered, it might as well be conquered by you, am I correct??" I may not be conquering the world here in Indiana, but I am conquering MY world. Which is what this long awaited blog post is all about.

Discovering me. That has always been hard for me. I am a dependent person, really, just ask Dallas. I don't think I would survive on my own. For this reason I am glad I found Dallas, who is very independent in many ways. We mesh very well together. I know this sounds all Saturday Warriorish, but we were meant for each other :) I honestly feel that Heavenly Father saved him especially for me, because I need him. Because of him I am here, in Indiana, where I am finally finding myself.

When I first got married, life was not easy. I went through a lot. Especially after I had Evan, and even more so when I was pregnant with Kiah. I was bored. I was depressed. It is crazy how easily Satan can make you feel worthless. Even to the point where you feel there is no point in anything anymore. Here I had a beautiful child and another on the way and I had a hard time enjoying it at all. I knew that this life was what I wanted but at the same time I didn't know who I really was. I relied on my family for EVERYTHING. They were my life. I wanted to be closer to them. When I was away the bordom kicked in again and then the depression.

I tried different hobbies and things to make life fun. I wanted to be more than just a mom who cooked, sewed and cleaned. But in my mind that was who I was supposed to be. My mom tried to help get me involved in projects and things. Nothing ever clicked. I couldn't find who I wanted to be.

When Dallas talked about moving away I thought he was crazy. Living just 2 hours away from family had been hard enough. We had a lot of disscussions about this and it never ended well. He applied to grad school at Purdue and I just kept thinking that it wouldn't really happen. But the day did come that he was accepted to Purdue. And we both cried, because somehow we both knew that was where we needed to be. Strange isn't it? How the Lord knows exactly what you need and when you need it? I thought the solution to my problem was getting closer to family, when all along I needed to be far away.

Since I've been here in Indiana I have become slightly more independent. I have been happy. I have found what makes me happy. I have discovered that I don't have to be the mom who cooks, cleans, and sews. Those things all come in handy being a mom and all. But now I know that there are talents hidden deep in there somewhere just waiting to come out. I am my own person. As much as I want to be close to family, I had to be away to truly find myself.

Now Dallas and I have our future ahead of us. There is the big question- Utah or somewhere else? Some of you probably wonder why I want to move back to Utah now that I have had this experience. I think now that I know that I can do things on my own, I won't rely too much on my family even if I did live close. I want my kids to grow up knowing their grandma's and grandpa's. I want my kids to have what I did as a child. Family. On the other side of things some of you are probably wondering why living outside of Utah is even an option. Well, life goes on outside of Utah, and I am having a wonderful experience here in Indiana. Sometimes I wonder what else is out there. There is also Dallas, he wants to travel. There are so many places that he would love to see. I guess what I am saying is we'll see what happens :) We'll see where the Lord wants us.


"Bloom where you are planted." Thanks Bethany, everything you said truly helped. No worries I will continue in my conquering.

I usually don't open up like this. I hope it all made sense and I hope it didn't sound corny. For those of you who took the time to read, thanks for listening. Sometimes it just feels nice to vent, to let it all out :)